Our Body Image in the Childbearing Year
Trigger Warning: This blog post contains topics concerning body image, eating disorders (binging/purging), and negative self-talk. Take care of yourself; please take discretion if these topics will impact you in a negative way.
How Does out Body Image Impact Our Parenting Journey?
I’m Angela, a mother and midwife. I grew and birthed three babies, and experienced beautiful, healthy, natural pregnancies and deliveries. One of my births was in hospital and two were at home. From the outside, they all seemed absolutely normal, or “textbook”, as they say. On the inside, however, things felt far from normal.
This story is a reflection of my personal journey with negative body image, how it impacted my experience of pregnancy and becoming a new mother, and how I have learned from it and hope to bring awareness to the subject.
My Story with Body Image
As a midwife, I saw many clients struggle with a similar story. Body image impacts so many of us. Pregnancy is a time when we could and should be in awe of our body; the beauty, strength, and sheer brilliance that we are creating a human. Yet, sadly, many of us can’t see beyond the conditioning of what a body “should be” or “should look like”. If you are someone struggling, I hope this story can give you a new perspective and, if necessary, encourage you to seek professional help.
I am not sure exactly how or why it started, or the exact year it changed, but I do remember the day I decided I was uncomfortable and unsatisfied being in my body. It was summer break and I was about 12 or 13. I don’t know the actual trigger, but on that day, I pledged to diet and one day be “beautiful”. That morning I ate cream of wheat with strawberry jam because strawberries felt like what a “healthy” person would choose. Then, I went jogging. I had no understanding of nutrition, exercise, or societal conditioning—I just felt bad. I compared myself to other girls and women, seeing myself as a lesser beauty. I titled myself “ugly”. Looking back today, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that little girl. She had become burdened with the societal conditions like so many girls and women are. That seed was planted at 12 and it grew with me as I aged.
Body dissatisfaction became deeply implanted into my belief system—
a daily challenge to coexist with. The once little seed became a full-blown tree, leading to hours of exercising, restricting food, and binging patterns. It was a war, me against me, fueled by media, middle school, and a lack of peer or family support.
Looking back, I really believe media—in all its forms—is the root cause. It caused stress, unrealistic expectations, and bullying from other girls who were only just fighting their own war. Heck, media even taught me how to starve and purge. I was always chasing this other version of me that didn’t exist, a daily if not hourly struggle trying to grasp her while she slipped through my fingers. I missed out on many things in life because I didn’t think I was skinny enough or pretty enough to be seen or to participate. I hid my body and isolated from social situations that involved “being seen”. I judged and hurt in my internal fight, and I now know I’m not alone in this experience. This topic is often avoided and I’d like to open the door for discussion so others can learn to love themselves and enjoy what life has to offer.
What did this conditioning do to my three beautiful pregnancies, deliveries, and postpartum recoveries? During pregnancy it created a deep fear of getting bigger and of physically changing, which caused me to harbour a deep level of shame. I became confused because I loved my growing babies in a way only their mother can, yet I couldn’t let go and enjoy this precious time without the suffocating conditioning reminding me I wasn’t perfect. At my prenatal visits I hid my true feelings from my care provider. I was embarrassed and worried about labour, not because it would hurt, but because my naked body would be seen labouring. The other side of me wanted to let go, be in my body, and love how I was physically changing, and to rock my labour with fiery confidence—but I was blocked. My labours went well, again “textbook”. My postpartum, too, was “textbook”, but I judged myself and my body throughout. These feelings eased with each baby, but I wish I had known then what I know now! Those negative feeling are what kept the conditioning alive, and I was inadvertently fueling it.
The Shift for me…
I don’t know exactly how or what, but something started shifting in my second labour. The support I created for myself and being at home allowed me to let go just enough to lose some of the shame. By my third pregnancy, I was really grasping that nothing mattered except my story. Shame wasn’t necessary and I could be free and empowered.
I talked through my birth in my head, knowing it was literally hours of my life. So short, yet so profound; transformation. I started choosing to only listen to my voice and not others. I released the opinions of others and began to relish in my lush nakedness—body, mind and soul. Birth is hard, and birth is beautiful. Birth is looking inside yourself and letting go; a surrender to the unknown. Birth is life.
The childbearing year is a very short marker on the timeline of one’s life. You only have each of your babies once, and I encourage you to embrace it. Pregnancy and birth occur only a few times for the majority of people. Life is so sacred and short. Negative body image can be released. Its hold on you can be transformed into body positivity and love for yourself.
Pregnancy can be the most magical time of our lives. As the weeks pass and the baby grows so do you. Your blood volume increases, your organs become displaced and widen your ribs and hips. These changes happen universally. Looking back, this is the most feminine I ever felt: fertile, and growing another life inside of me. I was lush and feminine, and my body was preparing for birth and motherhood—round, ripe, and ready to breastfeed. Perhaps seeing yourself through this lens could help you, too.
Now, 30+ years later,
the war is over for the most part. I see pictures and I love how I looked. I was so youthful and beautiful! I don’t see any of the flaws I perceived back then. I missed out on a very special part of my pregnancy, birth and postpartum. I couldn’t embrace or even see the divinity that I was. What would my experiences have been without that little seed that was planted in childhood? I don’t know. What if the seed instead had been of love and a positive body image?
I suppose, if that had been my experience, I wouldn’t be sharing this with you today, and maybe, just maybe…that’s why it was there.
You are beautiful exactly as you are.
Inside the Birthing Freedom class series, we have conversations about unique needs and wants, we talk with real people about their experiences and we focus on informed choice and autonomy, loving yourself and creating your best life.
Our vision is to provide an informative and holistic change in the way birth is experienced by families around the world. We aim to prepare families in body, mind, and spirit for a healthy pregnancy and empowered birth experience.
Our vision is to provide an informative and holistic change in the way birth is experienced by families around the world. We aim to prepare families in body, mind, and spirit for a healthy pregnancy and empowered birth experience.
Feel Prepared for Birth with Our Pregnancy and Birth Course
Meet the Author
Angela Rennie, RM, RYT, Spiritual Mentor, Holistic Nutritionist
Angela is the founder of Birthing Freedom, a holistic birth education curriculum and course that encompasses the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. Follow us on Instagram
